I am not that girl anymore

I once believed in fairytales

That the prince would come and rescue me.

I once believed in make-believe,

That life could be anything I wanted it to be.

I once believed in one true love

That my husband would have eyes for only me

I once believed in hopeless romance,

That love could overcome any feat.

But the fairies’ wings have come undone,

And the prince has fallen from his steed,

And life is not at my beck and call,

But plots for me in conniving, malevolent schemes.

And true love,

Nothing but deceit and dishonesty

Roses, chocolates, romance,

A charade to subject my will submissively.

My eyes are finally opened,

And my heart has closed its door,

My will has defeated my compassion,

And I am not that girl anymore.

 

I once believed his lies

Sacrificed my happiness for his

Submitted myself to his pleasures

And my own heart I dismissed.

I lost the girl I was

My inner strength, my soul, my pride,

On the outside I was smiling

While my spirit withered inside.

Old pictures brought only tears

Of the girl I used to be

Old friends could barely recognize

The figure masquerading as me.

I hurt for who I had become

I longed for the girl I was before

But even as yearned for her

I knew I was no longer that girl anymore.

 

As I pick up the fragments

Of who I used to be

And piece together the puzzle

Of the past, the present and the future unseen

I can only look back and forgive

And relieve my shoulders of the remorse

Not for what he did,

But for what I did in setting the course.

I must let go of regret,

I must let go of shame

I must let go of the grief I hold

When I re-open the wounds again and again.

It won’t happen tomorrow,

For time is a fickle friend

Prolonging the hours of misery

And flying when you’re most content.

But one day, every hurt and heartache

Cut by folly’s sword

Will warily be laid to rest

And I will no longer be that girl anymore.

 

The schoolyard

Didn’t they teach you in school

You don’t treat people this way

Didn’t they tell you,  didn’t they show u

Or were u just absent that day.

Was kindness ever talked about

Was compassion ever discussed at length

Was loyalty,  honesty, steadfast integrity

And devotion to loved ones ever raised.

Didn’t they warn you about selfish desires

Didn’t they caution you against greed.

Didn’t they teach you to put others before yourself,

And forewarn of the perils of conceit?

What happened to chivalry

And dedicated responsibility

Did consequences ever matter

Or were you simply praised no matter what the results may be.

Is that why I never mattered

Not my feelings, my hurt or my tears

When you chased after another

Assuming I’d always be here

Did the school room teach you nothing?

Did you learn nothing from your peers at play?

Even the school yard offers the lessons

That a classroom’s 4 walls may neglect to make.

It’s unfortunate

The life lessons you were never taught

You thought you were winning this game

Cheating your way to the top

But you’re not.

I’m so nice

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness

I can still cause you pain

You think because my words are gentle

That you have won again

It is a kindness that I smile

Benevolence that my hands are clasped

So that you can’t see them shaking

From the fury of a woman’s wrath.

It is charity that I stand here

Allowing you to speak

A generosity I bestow to you

Letting you offer your pleas

I smile gently at your words

As I consolingly nod my head

You thank me For my heart’s compassion,

Not knowing that it’s dead.

It’s taking all my strength

To disallow my Icy stare

And extra caution and attention

To make you think I care.

I pity you as you speak,

You think you stand a chance,

You are down upon your knees

Its all going according to plan.

I tease with seeming contemplation

I play with your hopeful heart

I torment with feigned consideration

I know just how to play the part.

I’ve learned from the very best

Just how to play pretend

To manipulate and desimate,

Knowing just how this will end.

You turn and walk away

confident in your feat

Planning your return

To sweep me off my feet

I whisper sweet assurance

To encourage you in your labor

You put me through hell

I’m simply returning the favor.

Seeing red

I could feel the heat rising,

Red anger on my face,

The tears stung in my eyes,

Like my hand across your face.

Our son sat waiting

For his 4th birthday to begin

You’d lied to me for months

Why on this day admit your sin?

I told u to keep quiet

Just shut your fucking mouth

For once think of someone

Other than yourself.

U didn’t care what I had to say

U didn’t care about your son

U didn’t care what day it was

U wanted solace for what you’d done.

As if I didn’t know

As if I believed your every lie

Ur a fucking coward

The guilt ate you alive.

U didn’t just ruin the day

U ruined all our lives

U ruined everything before or since

With your constant Web of lies.

I’d given you everything,

Supported you through thick and thin

But I was not enough

You wanted more than one could give.

You wanted money but had no job,

You wanted love but couldn’t share,

Not your life, your love, or your commitment,

Did you even fucking care?

I gathered up my son,

Packed our things away

I headed for the door

There was nothing left to say.

Betrayed

You are cold and calculating

Showing no remorse

For all the pain you’ve caused

By your deceitful words.

You can lie right to my face

Without so much as batting an eye

You can gently whisper sweet seductions

And then walk out with no goodbye

You’re selfish and you’re greedy

Thinking only of yourself

As you betray us one by one

Then move on to someone else.

Your mind has lost consideration

Your conscience lost its say

Your heart has lost all compassion

And your soul has lost its way.

I fought to win you back

But you fought for your release

I tired and grew weary

As you grew stronger in my defeat.

I turn to you now

Hurt Beyond belief

“How could you betray me?”

The mirror softly speaks.

 

You don’t want to know

In his hands, the evidence

As his brow furrows in alarm

What is this?  Who were you with?

As I turn on my charm.

I laugh aloud to assuage his doubts

It’s nothing, I smoothly say,

Only me, drinking alone

That night you were away.

Confusion remains, etched upon his face,

And I cant help but revel in my lie.

Its my turn now, my secret’s out,

But you’ll never see me cry.

It’s your turn to doubt and ignore

your own wary mind.

The way I did when I was betrayed

And believed your every lie.

You made me mistrust my every sense

Called me crazy and unwise

To suspect you with such suspicion

And distrust your alibis.

The tears back then seemed endless

As I fought for vows once said

As I tried to rekindle what had long been forsaken

And you left for another’s bed.

My heart is pounding now

your eyes search me For a sign

A glimpse,  a hint,  an inevitable slip

But I am not that kind.

I know that you know.

You know what I won’t say

Don’t ask,  don’t tell, don’t trust yourself,

Unless you’re ready to walk away.

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secrets

They were talking

But I wasn’t supposed to know

Whispered secrets

They kept their voices low.

See no evil,  hear no evil

Pretending evil does no harm

Conceit,  selfish desires

Hushed voices,  seductive charm.

They laughed at my Innocence

Balked at my naiveté

Scoffed at my ignorance

As I held every suspicion at bay.

I walked on pins and needles

Tiptoed as the egg shells cracked

Tried to appease his every anger

For every alluring aspect lacked.

Behind my back he sneered

Mocking me as he betrayed

Holding me in contempt

For the tears that revealed my pain.

He forgot I paid the phone bill

Held the record for every call

Every text in evidence

Still,  he denied it all.

Love became a victim

Trust forever lost

He misjudged the price he’d pay

As I was left to pay the cost.

I was broken,  I was shattered,

I wept for all we’d lost

innocence undone

Virtue too,  cast in the lot.

Defeated he waits alone

Convicted of every sin

Waiting for me to come home

Certain I’ll return to him.

But tonight my lips are painted red

As I drive through darkened streets

He knows nothing of where I’m going

Or of the secrets that I keep.