A Charade

It seems to me all a charade,

Just say what you’re wanting to say.

Why continue living this game,

Why go on in  agonizing pain?

You say, ‘Who knows what will happen now?

We’ll see what the future holds,”

but even now, you can’t even look at me,

As the heartache has taken its toll.

Love was lost so long ago,

what is it we are waiting for,

it’s too late to turn back now,

it’s too hard to close this door.

And so the draft come barreling in,

As our hearts grow colder still,

towards love, towards each other, towards all others,

as ever weaker grows the will.

And so we continue to lay our heads,

on the same cold and heartless bed,

Only to rise once again,

In the morning, our thoughts left unsaid.

And so, the emptiness continues to grow,

With indifference latched in tow,

And sweet bitterness takes ahold,

Until we are ready to let it go.

Not tonight

You say you walk on egg shells,

but you’re a fucking liar.

You walk on the coals you lit,

one after another.

you say that you are tired

of the constant accusations

just give you a chance you say,

neglecting my heart-wrenching frustrations.

Another skirt, another eyelash,

Batted just your way.

You say, “I have no control over that.”

As you dig into another slice of cake.

You’ve no concern for the hell I’ve endured,

hoping one day you’d notice the pain,

Of the woman in the shadows waiting,

the diamond, now a dead-weighted chain.

She’s the woman you once chased,

with promises of undying love and affection

Now, you simply await your escape,

to finally be rid of your affliction.

She is waiting too,

Like  a moth to a flame, she’s tried.

But what’s been done, can never be undone,

as what was once undying, dies.

She is wretched now, as her shoulders slump this night.

She is preparing to tell her 9 year old son.

Daddy isn’t coming home tonight.

Honesty

Don’t get too comfortable

I always have one foot out the door.

You may think that you have won,

As I bide my time to settle the score.

You look at me in shock

As if this is news to you

You thought it was over with

As if the expiration on pain were past due.

Was it really so easy,

For you to get over the guilt.

Have you forgotten what you put me through

And disregarded the wall that was built?

You thought you had mounted the hurdle,

An insignificant fence,

But I only allowed you a foothold,

So as to knock you down again.

You look at me astounded

Apalled by just a glimpse

Of the cunning and conniving

That has consumed me ever since.

You thought this was behind us,

My anguish kept unseen,

My torment upkept in secret

To provide for the unfolding scene.

I see the pain behind your eyes

Of not knowing where you stand

As your wary mind searches for a sign,

Trying to understand.

You’ve been walloped in the gut,

Awakened from your sleep,

Your universe has shifted

And you grieve for your inner peace.

After all the pain you caused

I finally have the upper hand

Your consciousness is shaken

Your head is in your hands.

But there is no finale,

For the hurt I’ve put you through,

Though vengeance is finally mine

I’m still hurting too.

I wish I didn’t cry

If I could have any power

I would wish I didn’t cry.

I don’t want to tip my hand while before me u stand

Offering up yet another lie.

I wish the tears were smiles

That struck your wretched heart

That Convicted ur sin and the monster within

And the lives u wrecked apart.

I wish the drops would evaporate

Before they even begin.

I wish the salt wouldn’t sting my eyes

And betray my heart’s condition.

I wish my red cheeks were only rosy

And my sniffles would entirely cease

And my stare were Icy instead of wilted

To bring you to your knees.

I wish I saw fear in you, not pity,

As you watch my traitorous face,

That betrays the wrath of my anger

And the fire of my rage.

Do not mistake my weeping,

It is a solace to you alone,

To lure you into complacence

while my memory burns what you’ve done.

Grow comfortable in your mistaken triumph

You think your apology settled the score,

But like a Phoenix rising from the ash

This is just the start of the war.

The schoolyard

Didn’t they teach you in school

You don’t treat people this way

Didn’t they tell you,  didn’t they show u

Or were u just absent that day.

Was kindness ever talked about

Was compassion ever discussed at length

Was loyalty,  honesty, steadfast integrity

And devotion to loved ones ever raised.

Didn’t they warn you about selfish desires

Didn’t they caution you against greed.

Didn’t they teach you to put others before yourself,

And forewarn of the perils of conceit?

What happened to chivalry

And dedicated responsibility

Did consequences ever matter

Or were you simply praised no matter what the results may be.

Is that why I never mattered

Not my feelings, my hurt or my tears

When you chased after another

Assuming I’d always be here

Did the school room teach you nothing?

Did you learn nothing from your peers at play?

Even the school yard offers the lessons

That a classroom’s 4 walls may neglect to make.

It’s unfortunate

The life lessons you were never taught

You thought you were winning this game

Cheating your way to the top

But you’re not.

I’m so nice

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness

I can still cause you pain

You think because my words are gentle

That you have won again

It is a kindness that I smile

Benevolence that my hands are clasped

So that you can’t see them shaking

From the fury of a woman’s wrath.

It is charity that I stand here

Allowing you to speak

A generosity I bestow to you

Letting you offer your pleas

I smile gently at your words

As I consolingly nod my head

You thank me For my heart’s compassion,

Not knowing that it’s dead.

It’s taking all my strength

To disallow my Icy stare

And extra caution and attention

To make you think I care.

I pity you as you speak,

You think you stand a chance,

You are down upon your knees

Its all going according to plan.

I tease with seeming contemplation

I play with your hopeful heart

I torment with feigned consideration

I know just how to play the part.

I’ve learned from the very best

Just how to play pretend

To manipulate and desimate,

Knowing just how this will end.

You turn and walk away

confident in your feat

Planning your return

To sweep me off my feet

I whisper sweet assurance

To encourage you in your labor

You put me through hell

I’m simply returning the favor.

Seeing red

I could feel the heat rising,

Red anger on my face,

The tears stung in my eyes,

Like my hand across your face.

Our son sat waiting

For his 4th birthday to begin

You’d lied to me for months

Why on this day admit your sin?

I told u to keep quiet

Just shut your fucking mouth

For once think of someone

Other than yourself.

U didn’t care what I had to say

U didn’t care about your son

U didn’t care what day it was

U wanted solace for what you’d done.

As if I didn’t know

As if I believed your every lie

Ur a fucking coward

The guilt ate you alive.

U didn’t just ruin the day

U ruined all our lives

U ruined everything before or since

With your constant Web of lies.

I’d given you everything,

Supported you through thick and thin

But I was not enough

You wanted more than one could give.

You wanted money but had no job,

You wanted love but couldn’t share,

Not your life, your love, or your commitment,

Did you even fucking care?

I gathered up my son,

Packed our things away

I headed for the door

There was nothing left to say.

You don’t want to know

In his hands, the evidence

As his brow furrows in alarm

What is this?  Who were you with?

As I turn on my charm.

I laugh aloud to assuage his doubts

It’s nothing, I smoothly say,

Only me, drinking alone

That night you were away.

Confusion remains, etched upon his face,

And I cant help but revel in my lie.

Its my turn now, my secret’s out,

But you’ll never see me cry.

It’s your turn to doubt and ignore

your own wary mind.

The way I did when I was betrayed

And believed your every lie.

You made me mistrust my every sense

Called me crazy and unwise

To suspect you with such suspicion

And distrust your alibis.

The tears back then seemed endless

As I fought for vows once said

As I tried to rekindle what had long been forsaken

And you left for another’s bed.

My heart is pounding now

your eyes search me For a sign

A glimpse,  a hint,  an inevitable slip

But I am not that kind.

I know that you know.

You know what I won’t say

Don’t ask,  don’t tell, don’t trust yourself,

Unless you’re ready to walk away.

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