Not tonight

You say you walk on egg shells,

but you’re a fucking liar.

You walk on the coals you lit,

one after another.

you say that you are tired

of the constant accusations

just give you a chance you say,

neglecting my heart-wrenching frustrations.

Another skirt, another eyelash,

Batted just your way.

You say, “I have no control over that.”

As you dig into another slice of cake.

You’ve no concern for the hell I’ve endured,

hoping one day you’d notice the pain,

Of the woman in the shadows waiting,

the diamond, now a dead-weighted chain.

She’s the woman you once chased,

with promises of undying love and affection

Now, you simply await your escape,

to finally be rid of your affliction.

She is waiting too,

Like  a moth to a flame, she’s tried.

But what’s been done, can never be undone,

as what was once undying, dies.

She is wretched now, as her shoulders slump this night.

She is preparing to tell her 9 year old son.

Daddy isn’t coming home tonight.

You’re so fucking demanding

You say what you want but not what u need

Then u expect me to fall to my knees

You storm off in a huff when u don’t get your way

Lock yourself in your room

Thinking you’re making me pay.

But what you didn’t see, were the eyes of your son

You didn’t even think about

The Hurt you’d just done

You selfish bastard,

You think you’ve won

When all you’ve done is hurt another one.

And for what,

As you seek to poison yourself

You say you want to change

And then you hurt someone else.

But not me,  not this time,

I’m so over your fucking five year old whine

Would you fucking grow up

Become a fucking man

You’re screwing yourself,

As fast as you can

You’ve no idea the price you will pay

For your lust and your greed that will never quench what you crave..

Honesty

Don’t get too comfortable

I always have one foot out the door.

You may think that you have won,

As I bide my time to settle the score.

You look at me in shock

As if this is news to you

You thought it was over with

As if the expiration on pain were past due.

Was it really so easy,

For you to get over the guilt.

Have you forgotten what you put me through

And disregarded the wall that was built?

You thought you had mounted the hurdle,

An insignificant fence,

But I only allowed you a foothold,

So as to knock you down again.

You look at me astounded

Apalled by just a glimpse

Of the cunning and conniving

That has consumed me ever since.

You thought this was behind us,

My anguish kept unseen,

My torment upkept in secret

To provide for the unfolding scene.

I see the pain behind your eyes

Of not knowing where you stand

As your wary mind searches for a sign,

Trying to understand.

You’ve been walloped in the gut,

Awakened from your sleep,

Your universe has shifted

And you grieve for your inner peace.

After all the pain you caused

I finally have the upper hand

Your consciousness is shaken

Your head is in your hands.

But there is no finale,

For the hurt I’ve put you through,

Though vengeance is finally mine

I’m still hurting too.

I wish I didn’t cry

If I could have any power

I would wish I didn’t cry.

I don’t want to tip my hand while before me u stand

Offering up yet another lie.

I wish the tears were smiles

That struck your wretched heart

That Convicted ur sin and the monster within

And the lives u wrecked apart.

I wish the drops would evaporate

Before they even begin.

I wish the salt wouldn’t sting my eyes

And betray my heart’s condition.

I wish my red cheeks were only rosy

And my sniffles would entirely cease

And my stare were Icy instead of wilted

To bring you to your knees.

I wish I saw fear in you, not pity,

As you watch my traitorous face,

That betrays the wrath of my anger

And the fire of my rage.

Do not mistake my weeping,

It is a solace to you alone,

To lure you into complacence

while my memory burns what you’ve done.

Grow comfortable in your mistaken triumph

You think your apology settled the score,

But like a Phoenix rising from the ash

This is just the start of the war.

I am not that girl anymore

I once believed in fairytales

That the prince would come and rescue me.

I once believed in make-believe,

That life could be anything I wanted it to be.

I once believed in one true love

That my husband would have eyes for only me

I once believed in hopeless romance,

That love could overcome any feat.

But the fairies’ wings have come undone,

And the prince has fallen from his steed,

And life is not at my beck and call,

But plots for me in conniving, malevolent schemes.

And true love,

Nothing but deceit and dishonesty

Roses, chocolates, romance,

A charade to subject my will submissively.

My eyes are finally opened,

And my heart has closed its door,

My will has defeated my compassion,

And I am not that girl anymore.

 

I once believed his lies

Sacrificed my happiness for his

Submitted myself to his pleasures

And my own heart I dismissed.

I lost the girl I was

My inner strength, my soul, my pride,

On the outside I was smiling

While my spirit withered inside.

Old pictures brought only tears

Of the girl I used to be

Old friends could barely recognize

The figure masquerading as me.

I hurt for who I had become

I longed for the girl I was before

But even as yearned for her

I knew I was no longer that girl anymore.

 

As I pick up the fragments

Of who I used to be

And piece together the puzzle

Of the past, the present and the future unseen

I can only look back and forgive

And relieve my shoulders of the remorse

Not for what he did,

But for what I did in setting the course.

I must let go of regret,

I must let go of shame

I must let go of the grief I hold

When I re-open the wounds again and again.

It won’t happen tomorrow,

For time is a fickle friend

Prolonging the hours of misery

And flying when you’re most content.

But one day, every hurt and heartache

Cut by folly’s sword

Will warily be laid to rest

And I will no longer be that girl anymore.

 

I’m so nice

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness

I can still cause you pain

You think because my words are gentle

That you have won again

It is a kindness that I smile

Benevolence that my hands are clasped

So that you can’t see them shaking

From the fury of a woman’s wrath.

It is charity that I stand here

Allowing you to speak

A generosity I bestow to you

Letting you offer your pleas

I smile gently at your words

As I consolingly nod my head

You thank me For my heart’s compassion,

Not knowing that it’s dead.

It’s taking all my strength

To disallow my Icy stare

And extra caution and attention

To make you think I care.

I pity you as you speak,

You think you stand a chance,

You are down upon your knees

Its all going according to plan.

I tease with seeming contemplation

I play with your hopeful heart

I torment with feigned consideration

I know just how to play the part.

I’ve learned from the very best

Just how to play pretend

To manipulate and desimate,

Knowing just how this will end.

You turn and walk away

confident in your feat

Planning your return

To sweep me off my feet

I whisper sweet assurance

To encourage you in your labor

You put me through hell

I’m simply returning the favor.

Betrayed

You are cold and calculating

Showing no remorse

For all the pain you’ve caused

By your deceitful words.

You can lie right to my face

Without so much as batting an eye

You can gently whisper sweet seductions

And then walk out with no goodbye

You’re selfish and you’re greedy

Thinking only of yourself

As you betray us one by one

Then move on to someone else.

Your mind has lost consideration

Your conscience lost its say

Your heart has lost all compassion

And your soul has lost its way.

I fought to win you back

But you fought for your release

I tired and grew weary

As you grew stronger in my defeat.

I turn to you now

Hurt Beyond belief

“How could you betray me?”

The mirror softly speaks.

 

You don’t want to know

In his hands, the evidence

As his brow furrows in alarm

What is this?  Who were you with?

As I turn on my charm.

I laugh aloud to assuage his doubts

It’s nothing, I smoothly say,

Only me, drinking alone

That night you were away.

Confusion remains, etched upon his face,

And I cant help but revel in my lie.

Its my turn now, my secret’s out,

But you’ll never see me cry.

It’s your turn to doubt and ignore

your own wary mind.

The way I did when I was betrayed

And believed your every lie.

You made me mistrust my every sense

Called me crazy and unwise

To suspect you with such suspicion

And distrust your alibis.

The tears back then seemed endless

As I fought for vows once said

As I tried to rekindle what had long been forsaken

And you left for another’s bed.

My heart is pounding now

your eyes search me For a sign

A glimpse,  a hint,  an inevitable slip

But I am not that kind.

I know that you know.

You know what I won’t say

Don’t ask,  don’t tell, don’t trust yourself,

Unless you’re ready to walk away.

http://wordpress.com/read/post/id/489937/62738/

secrets

They were talking

But I wasn’t supposed to know

Whispered secrets

They kept their voices low.

See no evil,  hear no evil

Pretending evil does no harm

Conceit,  selfish desires

Hushed voices,  seductive charm.

They laughed at my Innocence

Balked at my naiveté

Scoffed at my ignorance

As I held every suspicion at bay.

I walked on pins and needles

Tiptoed as the egg shells cracked

Tried to appease his every anger

For every alluring aspect lacked.

Behind my back he sneered

Mocking me as he betrayed

Holding me in contempt

For the tears that revealed my pain.

He forgot I paid the phone bill

Held the record for every call

Every text in evidence

Still,  he denied it all.

Love became a victim

Trust forever lost

He misjudged the price he’d pay

As I was left to pay the cost.

I was broken,  I was shattered,

I wept for all we’d lost

innocence undone

Virtue too,  cast in the lot.

Defeated he waits alone

Convicted of every sin

Waiting for me to come home

Certain I’ll return to him.

But tonight my lips are painted red

As I drive through darkened streets

He knows nothing of where I’m going

Or of the secrets that I keep.

Unsafe

It’s dark and I feel alone
The night is damp and cold
There’s a tapping at the window
I’m sure it’s just a tree,
Was that a shadow
that just passed over me?
There are noises in the house.
Did someone get  inside
Or is it just a mouse, or a thief roaming outside?
Should I go check?
as I pull the covers over my head.
Beside me my son sleeps soundly,
He’s so trusting
In the security I’m providing.
My heart is pounding
my head is clouding
I do not trust my own instincts.
Should I grab a bat?
I haven’t any gun.
No one told me I’d be the protector of my house
When you left me here alone.
I wish you were here to check the noise,
I wish your strength remained strong,
But your heart was weak
And your devotion undone.
A branch brushes the roof,
The wind howls on the eaves
I hold my sleeping babe ever tightly,
As the terrors rock me to sleep.